


Screw-up

by Renevua



Category: Onward (2020)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, University, fatphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-01-02
Packaged: 2021-03-12 05:08:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,889
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28504983
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Renevua/pseuds/Renevua
Summary: Barley did not want to interact with anyone today at all. It wasn't a good year for him, hell few years already. And being in university did not make him feel any better. He was supposed to gain knowledge and get better. Train himself to be able to get a high paying job, so he could pay back the loan his mother gave him. She was so proud of him. Thinking he is finally becoming an adult. Finally a useful member of society.A self-indulgent fic, about Barley's struggle with his self-worth and identity in the world post-canon to the Onward(2020).
Comments: 4
Kudos: 15





	Screw-up

_If you knew it would be so hard, would you try again nonetheless?_

_Or would you give up and let yourself rot_

_Like a_ **_screw-up_ ** _you are_

* * *

Barley awoke in his van from a shallow slumber he was engulfed in. It has been hard to fall asleep recently, so any waves of sleepiness knocked him out immediately. It was hard to stay awake for so long, it's understandable his body would give in to any opportunity presented. His body clock however would suffer from this and entirely throw his life balance on the curb. But Barley didn't care. What time was it anyway? 

**3:24 AM**

Ah, he was out for half an hour. Last time he had any sleep was almost 24 hours ago. It is bad to go so long without sleep, but if he would go, he would sleep for hours. Trying to stay awake to go absolutely wasted at midnight in hopes of regulating the rhythm would end up in humiliating defeat by Barley falling asleep in the middle of the day and sleeping till the very night. And another day would go to waste. However it was so hard to break the cycle. Lying on his back for hours, forcing to go to bed, ended up with Barley staying awake for hours doing nothing, so he could at least do something right? What’s the point of wasting time if he can't sleep anyways. But what could he do? Study? Work? Socialise? It's the middle of the night, most of the town was asleep, not like he could spend time with someone he liked. A job at another shitty 24/7 shop or fast food? Last time Barley had a part-time job it drained him mentally so hard, he left job after a fight he had with his manager for not being “good enough”. _They didn't even train him at all so what they expected, fucking dumbasses._ And university just scared him. Barley was scared to go back to his dorm. To take the regular route to school and enter the building. Just to even listen. The very thought of going to the university's website and seeing all those courseworks and submissions he was about to miss, filled him with immense panic that caused him to start hyperventilating. He felt so sick. Just wanted to jump out from somewhere high. Feel the rush of wind in his hair and the release of the stress. But he was scared to do anything. And most importantly he didn't want to do anything. Especially nothing that would cause him to get hurt. Just the thought of hurting his mother and Ian, broke his heart and caused Barley to hit the steering wheel with his fist until he could feel a bruise forming. _Good, that's all what he deserves anyway. Pain and only pain. He was scared of getting hurt, but why would_ **_scum like him_ ** _even feel the warmth of love in the first place._ As he sat there in his van, slowly sleep started to creep in and Barley slowly ventured to the real of sleep. 

* * *

“Barley! There you are!” Someone proclaimed. But Barley did not want to interact with anyone today at all. It wasn't a good year for him, hell few years already. And being in university did not make him feel **any better.** He was supposed to gain knowledge and get better. Train himself to be able to get a high paying job, so he could pay back the loan his mother gave him. She was so proud of him. Thinking he is finally becoming an adult. Finally a useful member of society. And he truly tried to achieve this, but from the very start he felt slipping himself and not being capable of what to do in classes. First year was easy, second he passed with help of his “friends” and third one just became a mess. He wanted to escape it, have a breather. A gap week, gap month, just a **gap year again.** _Oh, how pathetic did he sound, when he whined so hard._

_People have it way worse Barley and you're really trying to portray_ **_yourself_ ** _as a_ **_victim?_ **

**_God, you truly are a screw-up_ **

“Oh Persiphone! How are you doing this gracious day? I bet today's quest will truly show the shine of your magnificent powers!” He exclaimed, back to the person. He can't ignore people all the time. Someone will start noticing how truly awful a person he was. And Barley really wanted to leave some remains of normalcy and sanity. He wasn't the one that suffered the most. So it didn't matter how he felt, _right?_

“Yeah, yeah, quest and whatever. Did you do an assignment for Mr. Shortclaw’s class?” Persiphone answered annoyed. 

This centaur was one of the “friends” Barley had. She wasn't a bad person, however it wouldn't change anything in her life if she knew him or not. They went to a few parties together, with their friends in common that hosted them and talked through an online messenger app from time to time, but she wouldn't ever speak too enthusiastically with him or start conversation first. Barley was just a person she knew in university and beyond it he was nothing but a speck in the cosmos. It was normal for people to be friendly with others, but Barley really wanted a friend. Someone who would **want** to talk to him. But he didn't have anyone in his life like this. Not even Ian. 

_I wonder what he was doing now…_

“Of course I did Persiphone. This mighty beast wasn't the easiest feat to slay, but with the help of my trustworthy arm and brains the assignment perished in front of my sight!” Barley loudly stated while doing a handful of movements to underline his _grandiose_ achievement. 

“Lucky bastard. I'm just finishing some last bits, but one week should be enough. Well see you in the lecture, I'm going to grab coffee from the Runta.” She sighed and vanished in the staircase of the university building. 

“Farewell adventurer!” Barley shouted, so Persiphone could hear, but he could clearly see her annoyance rising throughout the entire conversation they held. 

_Of course I did! What a goddamn dumbass thing to say! I haven't even opened my university account in the last month. Now I definitely can't ask for help._

**_But it's not like you_** **_deserved it, didn't you Barley?_**

**_What help a person like you can even receive_ **

Sweat started to trickle down Barley’s face and he had problem breathing. He felt his own body collapsing on itself, like he was going to fold as origami. It all stopped when someone bumped into him in the corridor and Barley returned to reality. _Where was he? Oh yeah. It's Mr. Shortclaw’s module today._

* * *

**4:07 AM**

He opened his eyes again, feeling more tired than before the quick rest he had. _Funny thing this rest was. It only made him more tired from day to day._ Barley rubbed his eyes and heard his stomach rumble. Hungry again. 

_How many times do you even eat?_

_God, you're_ **_so disgusting_ **

Nothing was open at this hour except drive through joints on the highway. Starving himself wasn't the answer, but he couldn't feel undeserving of even receiving food. Why would he? _He didn't achieve anything significant in his life anyway. He maybe was involved in Ian’s bravado and bringing magic back, but all he did was just slow his brother down._

_If it wasn't for me he would have seen his father from the start._

_He would have gotten his 24 hours._

_Oh God,_

**_I am such a screw-up_ **

With stone in his throat, Barley started the engines of Guinevere the Second and started driving. While taking off he decided to immediately hit up the highway, where he started to speed up beyond the limit. He turned the volume of his mixtape to the max, opened the window next to him and just sang with the lyrics of the song as loud as he could. He yelled so the never resting city could hear him. To prove to himself that he wasn't just a speck of dust. But nobody noticed anyway. It was so late. And it was a highway. Who would notice Barley? Especially now. So after his favourite song finished, he pushed gas even harder. Just blankly staring at the horizon. He could just crash here right now. In the flames of glory. Lose his fight without anyone even knowing there was something wrong with him. Nobody would perceive him as a loser, just an elf that had an unfortunate accident. 

“Oh Barley, he could have achieved so much!” He exclaimed mockingly, mimicking the voices of people he knew saying things about him after his passing. 

“He was such a nice friend!”

“Such a jokester, what a shame he passed!”

“If it wasn't for this accident, I would have confessed my love to him! Shame it happened before I got courage!”

Speed was getting dangerously high, while Barley went on delusional talk with his fictional figures in his head on his fictional funeral. _Or wasn't it fictional anymore?_ Anxiety ran through him like a wild animal escaping hunter. He needed to immediately take off somewhere and stop or he would end up being a wild animal to his fear. A hunted prey by his own demons. _What he was even thinking…_

**_What would Ian think of me?_ **

**_God what would happen to Ian when I die?_ **

**_Would mom be crying?_ **

Before he realised that mania controlled his driving, Barley lost control of his van. The brakes! He was supposed to get them fixed this week! 

**“SHIT, SHIT, SHIT, BARLEY, YOU ARE A FUCKING MORON**.” He was screaming while trying to get the van to stop. 

Barley pulled on the hand brakes as hard as he could, hoping this would somehow save him. Van was already doing a few cartwheels on the highway like a lone ice-skater on an abandoned ring, but this time with a bit more danger than ice-skating. Thank God, there weren't any cars on the road as he would have already hit someone and possibly endanger another life, which didn't deserve such fate from a hands of stupid student. He heard the tires screech, tried to balance with his one hand wheel, while holding still brakes with another and in one minute he felt all movement stop. _Was he dead?_ Barley was scared to open his eyes. His breathing was still unstable, now due to stress and fear he had from losing control of his van than just regular panic attacks. While he opened his eyes he saw the back of the highway, and the tire marks he left. So close. He was so close to dying. _Why he must be such a screw-up._ Everyone was right. And nothing has changed **even** since that adventure they had with Ian. Oh his brother was the real hero. He was the person everyone loved, everyone cared about. _He cared too. Very much._ He could give his life away in mere second if Ian asked him to. Barley just wished he was at least 10% useful as Iandore was. His younger brother was a genius, becoming a professor so young and teaching others magic. And he deserved it, after all the pain and his struggles he faced. For growing up without a father. For growing up with such a shitty brother. Ian was finally able to bloom and become a real self. But was there ever a possibility for Barley to do the same? Was there a flower waiting to bloom in his life? Or he was just born without a thing. It was pointless to think anyway. He was already too old to achieve anything. There are 15 year olds achieving far greater things than he ever did. What did **he** do at age of 15? _Oh, getting arrested for protesting another temple being taken apart. How useful. He has prolonged the life of that temple just by 3 minutes and 26 seconds._ Was there something else? _Bad love advice for Ian, which caused his brother's crush just to hate him? Stunning. Truly a_ **_wonderful_ ** _brother. And endless tears from his mother, not understanding what was wrong with Barley. God he did make everyone around him miserable._

After a short while Barley decided to drive **finally** to some drive-thru to get and eat whatever at this point. His stomach might have dropped during the incident, but it still yearned for food with consistent growls. He didn't deserve it, but elf was just too tired to even care at this point if he actually did or not. He was hungry. That's it. His thoughts can shut up and just accept it as a hard fact. 

* * *

**4:34 AM**

Barley has gotten food from his favourite chain. He had some elaborate thoughts, which of course tried to justify that he doesn't deserve even to taste anything nice, so he should buy the worst of the worst, which could maybe cause him to starve and lose some weight. Just stop eating. 

_Why would you even put it in your mouth?_

_Don't you have enough fat in your stomach already?_

Tears trickled down Barley’s cheek while he was taking a bite of his wrap. It was so annoying. Those feelings. Those thoughts. He didn't even remember times he hasn't had them. And he wished he could just eat in peace. It was so tiring to hear this everyday. Yeah, it was right he was overweight, but it's not like his brother Ian was healthier than him. Ian really looked at some point like he could faint and just pass out in any second. He was so worried about his younger brother, what if it happens when he wasn't around to help him and take to the hospital. But nobody else saw it this way. They both had some weight issues, but if they stayed healthy it wouldn't make a difference really, would it? They just had different body types, but Barley always was seen as the lazy, slob brother. _Kinda ironic, considering he was the one involved in sports more in his teenage years than Ian._ But whatever, not like anyone is going to care, since his younger brother was a hero and had many other accomplishments. What would he try to prove this way? That he knows how to catch rugby? Pathetic. 

He thought intensely about those issued while finishing his food and afterwards gazed in the front mirror of his car. He pinched his cheek and tried to find his jawline, but all he felt was the softness of his skin with ruffled parts of his 5 o’clock beard. Huh, maybe that's why everyone sees him as a disgusting elf. 

* * *

**5:08 AM**

After throwing out all the trash he walked around his van for a bit of fresh air. Fresh was of course overstatement since all he could breathe in were fumes of burned gasoline. Still better than just sitting in his van and waiting until another panic attack to come. The silent night transformed into the blissful dawn and all he could hear is the hum of lorry trucks driving on nearby highway. It was Friday and he had only 3 days left to submit something for his class or he would fail this module and have to resit it in the summer. He could of course now just relax and gather his mental health back to peak performance, but that was implying he would nail the summer coursework. And Barley could not know that. If he can't do it already now, what gives he would be different then? Everyone else managed it to handle perfectly and only Barley was the one absolutely terrified to even start. 

_Just like a coward._

_Running away from all the problems._

_Nothing else, but a_ **_screw-up._ **

His thoughts were right. He was a **_screw-up_ ** . Wasted mother's money on a university degree he won't even get by going to the course he couldn't handle. All he did was run away, hoping somehow his problems disappear and start finally regenerating and relaxing. But all he did was to sit on his ass, sleep, and stare pointlessly at the computer. He already has been **_relaxing. Doing absolutely nothing._ **

**_You want a break yet you didn't do anything in the first place, did you Barley?_ **

**_Pathetic. Useless. Utterly disgusting._ **

_I hate myself._

**_You should._ **

Elf entered his van again and started the engine. It was starting to get crowded on the streets, so his little party needed to get wrapped up. He didn't need anyone to see him publicly, especially when he clearly was seen tired, **depressed**. No one needs to know what was going on inside of his head. He was such a pain in the ass for everyone. To even add more problems on others, would be purely narcissistic. It was time for Barley to grow up. To stop causing everyone trouble, especially to his family. His mother is finally happy in love again after such long grief over his dad's death. His brother finally became popular amongst the peers and got some action on the dating pool. It was time for Barley to catch up. 

**_Or to finally cut himself out._ **


End file.
